I can go the distance

I started drafting this entry May 27th, but forced myself to finally post it today, the last day of the Month.  I am still listening to the song that inspired me to write it down.  I planned to make it poetic, romantic, dreamy.  But there's no fairytale in this story.  It's just another hard-ass pathetic story of my life at work.  Maybe, soon, this kind of morbid tales will end.

*~*~*

I was searching for MP3's of Josh Groban.  Seems like whoever opened this up put in the wrong singer.  Josh Groban didn't sing "I Can Go the Distance."  It was performed by Michael Bolton for the soundtrack of Hercules (Yes, I happen to love Disney cartoons).  I've been playing it for a while now, while waiting for hubby to come home from his class, and typing up this entry in between cooking dinner and doing the laundry.

I have often dreamed, of a far off place
Where a hero's welcome, would be waiting for me
Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face
And a voice keeps saying, this is where I'm meant to be

Each child dreams of something big when they are young.  Honestly, I wanted to enter the convent then.  I remember telling Nanay that I wanted to be a nun, and she really reacted.  I didn't think that she didn't want a first-child to be entering that world.  Although I seem to remember that it might have been a good choice when I became a teenager.  

Going back, those dreams becomes the shining star to the path each takes.  Any logical person would have seek that star, making slow but sure steps towards that goal.  If they make some adjoining paths to make the travel longer or just for sheer fun, they may do so for some part of the journey.  But their star is always there, shining. Just as my star is.  It has always been there.

I'll be there someday, I can go the distance
I will find my way, if I can be strong
I know every mile, will be worth my while
When I go the distance, I'll be right where I belong

Close friends and family who knew about my star often thought that my star would just stayed up there.  Why?  Because I am taking my time (in their vocabulary, its actually wasting, not taking…) in certain places, among certain people that cannot really make the star reachable.  Unreachable star?  I never doubted that any star can be unreacheable as long as they are not logically impossible.

I have always wanted to leave the Philippines.  No, I have not given up on the possibility of the country recovering from its current state and getting back the glorious days that we had (or so we have been told).  I want to move to another country, like Australia (Aussie, or Oz for short) where some relatives are leaving, because I want my family to feel the kind of life that my relatives there had.  My parents are industrious and hard-working.  My dad toils from the earliest break of dawn till late at night even at his current age.  My mom works from home, and aside from taking care of us, she manager to earn extra income to get our family going.  We are four kids - I graduated from a good school, my sister finished off two courses already and is an RN, my brother is in his 3rd year of college and the youngest, a 3rd grader.  I am proud of how we are raised, and continually being raised.  Considering the kind of life we have, it is very impressive that we have come so far.  All thanks to my parents' hard work and sacrifice.  But if we live in Oz, they wouldn't need to work and sweat that much.  Well, they can - its an option.  But in that country, they would feel the benefits of those hardwork much visibly than what we are having right now.  My dream is the reward I'd like my parents to have, my future family to experience a better life than what we did.  I think its natural - to dream of something better than what you have, not because of discontent - but its a natural instinct of living: survival of the fittest.

Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate
Though that road may wander, it will lead me to you
And a thousand years, would be worth the wait
It might take a lifetime, but somehow I'll see it through

When I graduated way back 2k1, I felt lucky that I graduated from a good school, with well enough grades and brain matters to land me a job.  It was actually the 2nd company that I applied.  The eager beaver in me accepted it at once.  Of course, I have not dreamt that I would still be here until now.  But it is reality - I am still here.  I know, my star isn't really set on here, but I stayed because:

1. There are improvements.  Some 2 yrs later, we finally got to have internet connection.  (Yes, I was the IT personnel who doesn't have an Internet connection at work)
2. I love my work (need I say more?), most people I work with (emphasis on the MOST), and learning.  There were offers as previously detailed in an earlier post, but I love my work. Really.
3. I have this innate knack of believing hope against hope, seeing the good in anybody I met.  Enemies can be enemies for a short while, and against better judgment, I still would be friends with them.  Worst case, civil companion.

Earlier in my stay here, when I had enough credits to try out Oz's Skills Assessment procedure, which is the 1st step in checking whether I can move there, I asked this company for an Employment certificate that details the skills that I have.  I thought that what goes on in Tatay's company is the same for all, or at least for mine.  I was surprised that Admin cannot certify my skills.  I asked my manager's help, but was rejected as well.  The reason was that it cannot be simply done.  A manager told me that it's because they wouldn't want me to leave.  Talk about crab mentality.  That was the start of the sparks to continue later on.  The company cannot support my path to the star.

Okay, so I continued to work despite good sense.  Maybe I am taking too much time waiting for things my better judgement told me will never come true.  But that letter happened to a friend in the other department.  The difference - he had a different manager.  Good for him - Oz is going to see him real soon. 

Just recently, I've been ranting on the Singapore transfer that my functional manager offered me earlier this year.  Now that I have told my bestfriend the story, I think I can finally pen it down here.

• Nov 2k5 : My bestfriend left the company to move to better opportunities, better pay, better job.  I had an offer at the same time, and I thought of leaving.  But I wanted to exhaust my options here before I leave.  I stayed.  I loved working under my functional manager, talk with a lot of people and learned a lot.
• Feb 2k6 : I was thinking of what path could this career lead to me.  So I asked my functional manager (from hereon, referred to as Fmgr) if there is a possibility of moving to the global site.  I was informed there was no headcount available, but if there would be, then I would be invited to join.  I didn't hold my breath on that one - I never knew it was feasible, because there is really no change.  Our site, as per info, doesn't allow site transfers. 
• Mar 2k6 : Since I believed it is not possible, and I am not seeing any development in where I was, I started applying again - this time, I wanted to try abroad.  I finally got an offer from a consulting company in KL, Malaysia (yes, that one in the earlier post).  I told my manager that I am considering it, and manager said that the best thing for me is force Fmgr to transfer us to Global.  Incidentally, the day I decided to forego KL because of a good project that I was working on, Fmgr told me I can go to Sgp provided mgr would agree.  Mgr agreed.  I was more than surprised, but happy.
• April 2k6 : I went to Singapore for the project workshop.  While I was there, I learned from my bestfriend that she had an offer in the company, and she accepted it.  I admit that I didn't like the idea - not because I didn't want her to go there, but it's more of the mess I predicted when I get back.  True enough, with enough credits in our company's politics, things happened as expected. 
• May 2k6 : The issue was escalated to the management, to HQ, and a decision was finally made - No site transfers, or resignees moving to other sites.   I didn't decide anything too fast, although a colleague filed a resignation just about 2 weeks ago.  I wanted to resign for the right reasons, not out of emotional spurs.
       22nd: Emp send mail to mgr capturing her realizations - that she's not getting any younger, and it's time to start towards the star. Emp realized that the her dreams cannot be realized until she's in company.  Mgr replied: Are you resigning. Emp: Not yet, but once I decide, I will let you know.  Mgr: Thanks. And the no-talk mode started. 
       23rd: A bit chit-chat in the hallway in the afternoon.
      24th: Emp wants to make sure that should there be something, she can go without extending more than 30 days. Emp: Is there a person that I can turnover my daily support tasks? Mgr-mail1: I think you can answer that question. Is there? Mgr-mail2: Pls. stop pushing, I am not blind.  I know the consequences to what is happening.  Emp:  I apologize, but I never intended to imply anything negative.  I just want to make sure that there would be enough knowledge transfer done for my support, because if there will come an opportunity for me, I will not let it pass by anymore.  Mgr: Please submit a list of your turnover items. Emp: Pls refer to the attached…. No-talk mode to the emp concerned, but can tell the entire company with certain items twisted.
       26th:  Emp had a one-on-one meeting with Fmgr, about plans and stuff.  The issue was discussed, and opened the realization and budding of plans of leaving.  Fmgr offered help to find ways to make Emp stay - training, asking help regarding pleading the case.  Emp thought about it, and was having second thoughts.
       29th: Emp sent mail again (haha, makulet c Emp - cno kya un?).  I just want to make it clear, is it not ok with the company if an employee resigns then move to another site, or even from here to move to other sites in the future? Mgr-mail1: Yes.  Mgr-mail2: "If you think you want a career and work here, you are welcome to stay.  However, once and for all, please decide, so, we can also move on.  Stop pushing things around and trying to weigh every single option.  And while you are waiting for the "Right company" that can give you the offer, you are trying to hold on things for the company.  I don't think it is fair to Fmgr and the company.  This is the last time I am going to discuss with you on this or answer any of your mails.  Again, if you think that you want a career and work in this company, you are welcome to stay.  But if not, please decide, so we can also the necessary action items."  A close friend , a porn star, said,  in short, wag ka pa-importante. :D  Of course, no-talk mode intensified.

And I wont look back, I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track, no, I wont accept defeat
Its an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance, and my journey is complete

I have sent a note to Fmgr the night after I have sent the 1st note to mgr, explaining to him that I felt that I have exhausted all options.  That is what I wanted, in the first place.  I wanted to make sure that should I ever resign or decide to leave, it is because I have to grow, and what I'm leaving is something that cannot help me on that.  And the place that I'm going to will help me.  

I haven't replied yet to the last mail, demanding that I make a decision.  I hope that by the time I replied, it is the same time that I can officially give my white letter in.  The words rang a bit of truth, I guess.  Maybe, pa-importante tlaga ako.  But I never found it wrong to weigh all options possible.  Oh well, to each his own.

But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart

So where am I today, at the last day of May
I stand on a place asking myself, to go or to stay?
Is it another time to mend broken egos and pride,
or is it my chance and turn to take a different ride?

Like a shooting star, I will go the distance
I will search the world, I will face its harms
I dont care how far, I can go the distance
Till I find my heros welcome, waiting in your arms
I will search the world, I will face its harms
Till I find my heros welcome, waiting in your arms

[I Can Go the Distance - Michael Bolton]

*~*~*

I just realized, wouldn't Sharon Cuneta's "Bituing walang ningning" be a better theme song?  Hey pimp-meister, what do you think?:D