my driving so far

I've been meaning to put these recent thoughts into words, but I haven't found the time to do so. With the 1 week stint at a workshop, lots of my work have been filed up and demanded attention at its first snitch. First in, first out. So now that the pile has gown down (for just a bit), I can try (valiantly) to sort this perplexed brainworks (oh yeah, i think i have one of that piece - brain that is, hahaha ).

Not so long ago, I told myself that I need a wake up call from my hiatus. It was nothing fancy, or new - just the simple realization that I have been neglecting something quite important in a personal quest of worldly living. Since then, I imposed to myself to be my own critic, and demand that I do justice to the purpose why I am here. Of course, I am not a hero, and I never dreamed or fantasize to be one. I'm just a girl, standing in front of the world, asking the world to love her. (Oh mush, mush, mush…). It's not actually asking to love her - but demanding the world to license her on surviving mere existence (Yep, read the tag line, kiddo).

I have this deluded notion that I can do practically whatever I want. Well, okay not practically whatever I want, but technically as much as I want. I call it, living in my own terms - and my life is the perfect evidenciary support that people can live with just bare caveman survival antics. Basic survival - food (more than what's necessary actually), water, respect, religion, love, company. I make the decisions, and never looked back on them and though of "what if's?", "could've been's" and "maybe's".  Whenever I am put on the crossroad, I glanced at the scenery, and stomp on the accelator to the direction of the "most likely" scene I wanted. Instinct. Animal carnage.

Tatay used to tell me I'm a reckless driver.  I remember, Cindz used to quote: I drive fast, but I ain't reckless.  Maybe that's the key to all these ramblings crashing for now. Or maybe, my engine is starting to freeze up. The past events of my life has led me to require more observation over speculation, shutting up over shouting at.  It has shown me a different shade of the rainbow where I can take some time on actually scanning the landscape with a magnifying glass, to make sure I see things the way they really are. A different perspective.  Hopefully, more mature than i was? Or perhaps, just more skeptical than ever? 

I don't think I have the right answer for those questions for now. But one thing is for sure, things aren't always what they seem.  There are things in the mirror that looks closer in real-life, just as much as people seem to be totally different from who they really are.  They can be-friend me, share my smile but not my laughter; speak my words but not my language. They seem to be there for me at times they needed me, but they never seem to be really there at times I needed someone.  Suddenly, the crowd opens and all that's left is just the sad clown.

Ambitions drive the engine, but its the passion that fuels it.  Speeding in the freeway doesn't get me anywhere without the good engine.  It's a necessity. But what I learned, its not the destination or the car that matters much.  Its the fuel - the source of how I got there. Work isn't work when u love it, says a quotation. How true. I enjoy the play more than the achievement, because its at the play that get that sense of accomplishment - of being.

In the advent of these realizations, I didn't find the need to slow down my pace in what I do. Really.  I enjoy the chase, the speed of the game.  As a movie line goes, "Balancing human intelligence with animal diligence".  I just needed to get the other perspective and apply the different shades as well. After all, life demands to be lived. And I am trying my best to survive mere existence.